


Secret-Not-Want

by osmalic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, MWPP Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-16
Updated: 2005-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-21 04:46:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osmalic/pseuds/osmalic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A month after whatever occurred in the Shrieking Shack, Severus Snape agreed to meet Remus Lupin in the Astronomy Tower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secret-Not-Want

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much to Pixychelle for pointing out the errors! MWPP sixth year.

A month after whatever occurred in the Shrieking Shack, Severus Snape agreed to meet Remus Lupin in the Astronomy Tower.

He did not really agree per se; instead, Lupin cornered him earlier that night in the library between rows of books where anyone hardly went and told him, "Meet me in the Astronomy Tower, midnight," and swept away before Severus could fumble for his wand. There had been no chance to refuse.

Severus knew there was a high possibility he was being played at once more, knew this was the most probable choice and thus the half-order-half-plea of the werewolf (Severus sneered the word even in his mind) should be ignored. **_Should_** _have been ignored,_ he thought as he climbed the steep steps. No one was there; the atmosphere was chilly, hinting snow, and none of the usual trysting students were present. Romance needed warmth but the cold suited hate. The cold suited Severus just fine.

When he arrived, he closed the entrance behind him and let his eyesight get used to the darkness when there was shuffling and Remus Lupin emerged from the shadows. "I didn't think you'd come," he stated.

Severus had to squint at the weak light of other tower windows and the moon. For the past month he had avoid glaring at the four boys and thus had quite forgotten how pale Lupin could be under the moonlight. A month, moonlight, and Lupin… His arm shook slowly and his wand slipped comfortably into his palm. "You mean to finish the job?" he asked.

Lupin laughed hollowly. "This isn't one of those mob movies, Snape." He walked towards him slowly.

Snape held his ground although he kept his eyes on the werewolf. Funny, he could not remember if Lupin slouched like that. He gritted his teeth before his mouth could blurt out a question about Lupin's condition. "What do you want?" he hissed instead.

"Too many things, I think," Lupin said, stopping before him. His eyes were on Snape's arm and there was a small smile on his face. In the darkness, he seemed both frail and dangerous. "None of which I think you'll be able to provide."

Severus' scowl deepened. He hated word games as the Headmaster always used it when speaking with him. He hated guessing something in a game he was not sure he'd win. Yet here was Remus Lupin with his enigmatic smile, standing close to him with his breath coming out in small cloudy puffs and simply staring at him with an almost dead look, speaking in maddening riddles and looking as if he expected Severus to solve them readily. "None, then, I'll leave."

He turned to go but Lupin's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist, the hand that held the wand. Severus knew anger as he knew pain so to defend himself he let his other hand meet Lupin's other hand and clench around a painfully thin wrist. "What do you _want?"_ he hissed.

"It's not what _I_ want," Lupin told him quietly, "it's what _you_ want."

Severus glared at him. "If you do not speak more, Lupin, I swear—"

"You know my secret," Lupin interrupted, eyes staring into his, "and now I give you compensation."

"Pray, enlighten me," Severus sneered, "is that what I get for losing the game last month?" He felt Lupin's fingers around his wrist clench tighter, harder, and in retaliation he squeezed Lupin's other wrist as well. "Or did I actually win? What did I win, then? I get to keep my _life?"_ Lupin flinched—a triumph for Snape. "And is this Round Two? When shall Potter come round to save my life? Or is it Black's turn now? Pettigrew's?"

"I'll give you what you want," Lupin breathed.

"You know _nothing_ of what I want," Severus snapped, then drew back slightly as Lupin's face loomed over him, almost a silhouette against the covered light at his back. With some unease, he took a step back and found that he was against a wall.

He could push Lupin away, could kick him and scream, but that would mean Lupin and the Marauders _won_ and it would mean going against his promise to the Headmaster not to cause any more trouble for them. Severus Snape kept his promise and he kept his mouth shut as Lupin leaned forward so his breath was hot on Severus' lips.

"No," Severus uttered angrily, twisting slightly to avoid him.

"No?" Lupin was stronger and the effort was lost on him. "Tell me then. You watch us everyday. Which one of them do you want?"

"I want no one!" Severus was indignant and slightly stunned. How _dare_ Lupin insinuate…

But Lupin _did_ and he said, "I know darkness, Snape and I also know desire. I've known it for so long, what do you want?"

There was a roil of disgust and fascination in Severus' stomach, watching as Lupin's tongue darted out to wet his absurdly normal lips that somehow moved all blood in Severus' body to his groin, leaving his legs weak. Lupin seemed to know this because he stepped closer still, trapping Severus against the wall with his legs and wrist, and somehow his hold on Severus' wrist relaxed and smoothed into his elbow.

"I could give it," Lupin murmured enticingly. "My secret for your desire. I could make it yours, whatever it is you want." His palm traced over chest and stomach, and even with the clothes on Severus had to bite his lips from groaning. Lupin smiled and the moon briefly cleared to allow specks of green in Lupin's eyes to show. "Just tell me," he whispered against Severus' ear.

"I—" _Oh,_ if only he could manage to speak, Severus thought hazily as Lupin's tongue darted at the whorls of his ear. He would tell Lupin several secrets, all of what he wanted, starting from the way Lupin's teeth nipped the skin right below his ear to how his hand was now rubbing against Severus' stomach. If he could talk, he would tell Lupin to never stop and stay there forever with his warm hands, his whispers, his tongue.

But somehow Lupin must have known because he _stopped_ , just stood still as if waiting. Severus bit his lip harder to keep from crying out; as it is, a small whimper had already betrayed him.

"Do you want me?" Lupin asked quietly, burying his nose against Severus' neck. "Should I give you myself? Is it me?"

"I've never wanted _anyone,_ " Severus replied through grated teeth, trying to stop his head from spinning. Then, he was mortified that he said anything at all. _A secret_ , his mind whispered but it was already said and lost into the sky and into Lupin's ear, his brain. Severus wondered if he should remove Lupin's memory.

But Lupin only laughed softly into his skin. "You wanted _someone,_ " he replied as if he understood. Severus' hands clenched again and Lupin stiffened, remembering that Severus still had a hold of his other wrist. "I'd give it freely. I would have."

"I have no need for it," Severus retorted.

Lupin pulled away slightly to stare into his eyes. For a long moment, Severus thought he was reading him, the way the other boy's eyes flickered from one face and back again, as if reading a line, and it was disconcerting. Severus Snape was not a book. He could not be _read._ The werewolf's actions made him furious with himself and he made a move to point the wand at him again when Lupin silently knelt.

In his surprise, Severus immediately let go of Lupin's hands, which the other boy stretched against the walls to trap Severus between them. "You want a lot of things," Lupin whispered, tilting his head and letting his hot breath play against the front of Severus' trousers.

Severus' face grew warm. "What are you doing?" he hissed, then yelped, "Lupin!"

"No," Lupin replied determinedly as he tugged the robes back and unbuttoned the trousers quickly to expose Severus' erect cock against his face. "I know it, you don't have to hide."

Alarm was quickly turning to panic and Severus made a move to cover himself, certain that the Marauders would jump out now without warning. "Lupin, you imbecile! _Oh!"_

His protest turned into a moan for Lupin had taken the tip of his cock into his mouth, tongue pressing against the head. Severus let his head fall against the wall, neck arching to stifle a groan, eyes fluttering shut and his fingers curling to Lupin's scalp as the other boy moved slowly and purposefully. His lips made small suction noises against hot wet skin—lost in the roaring of Severus' ears—and his hands were bracing themselves over Severus' thighs, tantalisingly pressing closer to the quivering sac. At the back of his mind, Severus thought how Lupin must be an expert: his actions were sure and confident as his fingers gently fluttered against Severus' balls and his lower cock, slowly, so slowly as if he thought Severus might break.

And he would, he could. Lupin said he knew darkness and desire but Severus also knew debts and violence, and now he knew that a tongue tracing skin could scar almost as well as a knife or a coldly incanted spell. His legs were weak and fluttery yet they shifted wider to allow Lupin better access and to give his hips better movement as he began thrusting. His lips felt painful and swollen and he squeezed his eyes shut, half-wishing he was somewhere else yet also knowing there was nowhere else he would rather be but on the roof of the Astronomy Tower, his back against a wall, his fingers entangled with Lupin's thick hair and with Lupin's tongue tracing the veins and skin of his cock and his fingers skimming his balls with searing touches.

He wanted, _oh,_ how he _wanted_ Lupin now, he'd never known he'd wanted Lupin but Lupin must have known. He'd known and he'd _offered_ and—

Severus' eyes flew open in sick realisation just as his balls tightened in Lupin's gentle squeeze. His chest ached but he was coming in Lupin's mouth, hard and fast, in dizzying proportions.

"Oh gods," he gasped, shutting his eyes against the view of Lupin's head in line with his hips, tried to ignore the tongue that lapped the cum that spilled out of his cock. Lupin had said he knew darkness and desire but he knew about secrets too. He could destroy Severus so very utterly because Severus had been so _stupid_ to let desire overcome him. He wanted Lupin, he knew that now. He was sick of wanting things he could never wholly have.

Or getting things because he'd made the wrong choices.

So when Lupin looked up at him, a corner of his lips still holding a pearly white, Severus stared down at him before squeezing his eyes shut again, telling him quietly: "We're even now. A secret for a secret."

"You've had enough then?" There was no desire in Lupin's voice, only curiosity and a little apprehension. Severus almost envied him.

"You've made your point," Severus sneered, willing the feelings on his legs to return. He wanted to sit but he would not; instead, he pushed Lupin away and gingerly tucked his cock into his trousers and refastened his robes, then pushed his wand back into his sleeve. "A very good one, too. I applaud you, Lupin. It seems you actually seem to have a backbone. Yet recall: my secret will only cause me shame. Your secret will cost you _your life."_

Slowly, carefully, Lupin stood up and faced him. "I've given you compensation," he told him quietly, almost desperately. "I've given you what you wanted so I can trust you."

 _And you have me wanting more._ Severus glared at him. "I've given my word to the Headmaster never to reveal it. If you need someone to trust, trust _him."_ He eyed Lupin's dark form against the shadows. "Or will you have to compensate him as well?"

Lupin did not reply and Severus did not wish to interpret if that was an agreement or disgust. He made a move to step away when Lupin said softly, "Whenever we speak, I feel like we are always using different languages." He paused, then went on, "I've wanted you for the longest time as well, you know."

Severus almost punched him yet it was with great restraint that he kept his arms at his sides, fists clenched, nails digging into his palms, his eyes away from the other boy. Then and there, he knew he would hate Remus Lupin for the rest of his life.

"I know darkness too, Lupin," he finally said, voice carefully devoid of emotion, "and I can learn from mistakes. You want absolution, you want forgiveness, and you want me to give you those things because I know your secret. And for you to get it, you want my secret as well. You have one of them but it won't hold me forever. You think you know what I want but you don't know me. To you, I'm _no one."_ This time, he looked up and glared at Lupin. "That's all right though. To me, you are _nothing."_

In the brief moment, he thought he saw something gold and green flint in Lupin's eyes once more and he almost shrank back in horror, yet the moon was still hidden and the night had grown colder; it might have been his imagination. He doubted it.

When there was no answer, Severus made his way to the stairway, not trusting the other boy with his back until he was flying down the steps, trying to control his racing heart and his shaking knees. His lips were swollen from biting in an effort to keep silent. He knew his wrist would bruise the next day.

He wished he had enough sentiment in himself to weep. He wished a lot of things then, he always had, but mostly he wished for another moment like that and knew he and Lupin would never allow it to happen again.

**Author's Note:**

> "I want to write my secret across your sky." -Recoil, Want


End file.
